Author name: Tahira Rubab

Marriage surely is one of the most beautiful relationships where people not only accept another person to be a part of their lives but also their likes, dislikes, nature, and habits become a part of their life too. Divorce rates have visibly risen in Pakistan over the last few years. There are a number of common reasons why marriages fail in Pakistan however, some of them are completely overlooked. Here is a look at what they are and why they matter. 1.Non Realistic Approach  It is easy to find a Pakistani man who wants his wife to be as attractive as the next Miss Universe and yet expects her to be submissive, quiet, shy, good at getting the chores done and the kind who wouldn’t mind living in poverty! Similarly, quite a few Pakistani women too behave strangely and expect their husbands to be rich and handsome and yet they are the kind who are ready to comply with whatever demands they have. Take a closer look and it would be pretty obvious that young adults in the country end up being influenced by what they see in the media and hence, without even realizing build expectations that come out of fantasies and lack logic. Individuals begin to lose hope and begin looking for someone else to meet their dreams as soon as the honeymoon period is over and as soon as they understand that their partner is not the ideal person that they had been looking for. 2.Financial problems  Another problem is the working women as most of the desi men don’t want their wives to work and as a result, it is hard to meet the family demands with the only single earning member in the family. The outcomes of these financial constraints are severe as they bring tension and depression between the spouses due to increasing demands and lack of resources. “In desi marriages, the bride not only has to understand the groom but also has to maintain an understanding with his family. Along with this, she is also expected to do all the household work alone like cooking, washing dishes, cleaning home, taking care of her parents in law and in some cases brothers and sisters of her husband too. Therefore one cannot ignore the importance of understanding between the two families and the environment of their homes when deciding to marry.” Therefore, for a happy marriage, it is quite important that both the persons share their choices, goals in life and their expectations before committing anything since a broken marriage is worse than any broken commitment.  If there is a need, both the partners should support the home by working and if your wife is supporting your house, this is something to be proud of rather than being ashamed. And in-laws do not necessarily have to consider the daughter in law as a daughter but they can at least consider her as a human being, as a family member, and as a friend. 3.Lack of Guidance Parents in Pakistan do everything for their children but they don’t even recognize the fact that providing relationship guidance and preparing their kids to sustain a marriage too is their responsibility. Most young adults hence, following their wedding find themselves in an uncomfortable position and with no idea of how to manage pressures that come with a marriage, they decide to move out of the relationship. Watch this video to know more tips About the Author  Tahira Rubab  a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist .If you’ve got a relationship worry you’d like some help with, please call us at 0311 4482787  

Why do men face premature ejaculaton and how to get rid of this? Question by Mr. Anonymous  I’ve been married to my wife for nearly twenty years now. For many years, I’ve been affected by premature ejaculation . Over the last two years, however, our relationship has really soured due to this. I feel highly pressurised when having sex then frustrated once I can’t deliver.  My wife and I have recently talked about this. She’s happy to continue this way, but I’m not. To complicate matters, I met somebody else a couple of months ago and I’m experiencing things I never knew possible. I’m keen to try to do the proper thing all round, but scared about leaving. I’m unsure what to factor into my decision-making and that I don’t want to form an enormous mistake. Tahira Rubab Says I completely understand your confusion. So often, long-term problems with sex cascade beyond the bedroom and flavour the entire relationship. I appreciate the many responsibilities you carry, but life together with your wife has become centered around some key issues that I think neither of you’ll mention very easily.  Now you’ve met somebody else who is making you feel wonderful, so it’s no wonder you’re thinking of leaving.But let’s return to basics and take one point at a time. I can’t stress enough that a premature  ejaculation (PE) is for several men (and usually their partners). There are many factors which will contribute to the severity of the matter , but the specialized news is that this particular sexual difficulty does respond alright to sex therapy.  However, you don’t actually mention whether you’ve ever sought professional help or taken advice from somewhere. As a sex therapist, i do know and completely understand that a lot of men find it really difficult to get  help for problems like this, because they assume that somehow their body part  should just ‘work’ and sometimes , the shame and embarrassment they feel when this doesn’t happen reinforces the sense of loss and failure. I don’t know if you’re really saying that if the PE went away, the connection together with your wife would improve to the purpose where it’d feel worthwhile for you to remain within the marriage. It seems like your relationship together with your wife has been reduced to an endless cycle of managing the youngsters and life generally . I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that this too, may be a quite common relationship problem. Life just takes over, leaving no time for the couple to develop and maintain either emotional or sexual intimacy.  Relation with your partner may be the problem Sometimes, sexual problems are partner-specific, thanks to problems within the relationship. It’s helpful to believe whether the sexual problem drives your relationship issues or is it actually the opposite way round?  From what you say, it seems like your wife can accept things muddling along as they need been. I’d be very interested to urge her combat what sex in your relationship means to her, because another quite common outcome from sexual problems like PE is that the entire focus of any intimate activity rests on ‘getting the work done’ and doesn’t involve any sensuality.  I’m wondering whether that’s because she really is happy enough to hold on like this or if she’s just given up all hope that things could be any different. Either way, hearing that response from her can’t have helped how you are feeling about yourself and your relationship. Now you’ve met somebody else . Unsurprisingly, being together with her helps you to forget how miserable and unfulfilled you are feeling in your marriage. This is often only too common. But you don’t tell me if you’re having sex together with your new partner – if you’re , has the difficulty with PE changed at all? Often in situations like this, people get scared about initiating sex with a replacement partner just in case it all goes wrong. It’s really quite common to listen to people talking about wanting to keep everything ‘perfect’ and avoid any activity which may bring it all crashing down. I think you’re right to think about the broader picture. i feel a part of your confusion is connected with what proportion ‘right’ you’ve got to be happy if your decisions might adversely affect others. During this case, I’d urge you to seek counseling. This would offer you the chance to think everything through with someone who has no agenda, aside from supporting you to succeed in the choices that feel right for you – whatever they’ll be.  You’ll want to speak about this. I also think that if possible, couple counseling (with your wife) might be very beneficial. it might offer you the prospect to figure out what you both want and potentially assist you re-evaluate if your couple relationship is viable. I imagine you’re groaning immediately because I’m not suggesting you allow your marriage to pursue a replacement relationship. But at the instant , this new relationship offers you a shake being together with your wife – with whom you clearly feel you’ve lost connection. Perhaps she feels an equivalent , but believes it’s easier to hold on ‘as normal’ instead of break up . Understandably, you’re probably not feeling this and it contributes to the allure of the new person in your life. Before you create a choice to go away , I’d wish to think that the majority people would have considered every possibility before calling it each day So I’d suggest you are doing just that, preferably together with your wife, because with the proper help and support, you would possibly surprise yourselves with what you discover is feasible . Watch this video to know more tips About the Author  Tahira Rubab  a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist .If you’ve got a relationship worry you’d like some help with, please call us at 0311 4482787

Sexuality is a natural thing Sexuality is a natural thing that exists in both males and females. It is important to understand what sexuality is before getting into the details of how different it is for each gender. Sexuality is mainly about the desire one has it is not related to the person being straight, gay or a lesbian. It is just the desire for sex and the body towards another. Some people however prefer gaining pleasure using various sex toys, for them sexuality is to gain pleasure without any partner. Sexuality is a complete subject that involves your mind, your body and your desire. Generally people fulfill their sexual desires with the opposite gender and they gain pleasure through that. It is the mindset of certain type of people who seek pleasure for fulfilling their desire by force, such people are termed as mentally sick people who rape, but to them it’s their way of seeking pleasure. Men are more prone towards sex than women However as a whole the same definition is applied differently both on males and females. In the normal circumstances it is seen that males are attracted to females and vice versa. Their sex hormones become active with and for each other. The desire for sex has been found out to be more than in women. The studies show that males are more prone towards sex and physical fantasies, they are more aggressive and give less importance to commitments in a relationship. The overall impact worldwide has made a certain mindset of the men regarding their sexuality. It is common thing and in some places a sign of prestige that it is alright for men to have sex with multiple women and masturbate. This act is considered to be cool. While on the contrary a girl even after marriage is not open about her orgasms and sexual desires. Women experience orgasms frequantly as compared to men Women are exposed less as compared to men. Women experience orgasms more frequently as compared to men but as per the cultures they not tell people or show off that they had been using any kind of sex toys or have had self-orgasms. The desire for sex is very much present in girls and they have a variety to fulfill their desires unlike men all they have is a penis to satisfy their sexual wants. It is generally different with lesbians and gays. The overall relationships are different and the pleasures they seek are entirely different. For instance a girl couple uses a dildo to fulfill their need of sex but would not tie up with a man. Similarly a gay couple would perform anal intercourse rather than being with a girl for a proper path made by nature. As a whole it is all about the mental satisfaction of men and women. They do what gives them pleasure and eventual happiness that utmost satisfaction may be solo, using sex toys, being with a partner of same gender or the opposite one. Reaching out to the point of pleasure through any means is sexuality and that is variable for men and women. Watch this video to know more tips About the Author  Ms Tahira Rubab is an internationally authorized and certified Clinical psychologist. she is known as Clinical psychologist, sex therapist, motivational speaker, capacity building Trainer, and tv analyst.Feel free to contact and book appointment +92 311 4482787.

Disagreements are a part of any relationship, whether it’s a romantic, professional, or friendly relationship. Every person that you come across has different values, opinions,and past experiences that they bring to the table. Therefore, there can be many reasons for a conflict to arise in your relationships. But the way you handle those conflicts is what matters the most.  Core points:  Where conflicts can knock you down and your relations, Conflicts can also lead to improving your relations if properly steered. One of the simplest things to resolve any conflict that does wonders is listening, try it.  Counseling is also best to go for, take a third party( a trusted person) to discuss your issue.    Here are some of the pointers on how to save your relationships effectively. 1. Frame the issue in a constructive way in your head before you have the conversation. This can be moments before, or days before you fall into an argument. Keep your calm and think about the issue, you may also understand the other person’s point of view. However, there are different situations that can upset you. Change your mind frame: For example, if your partner/friend teases you in front of his or her friends and it’s embarrassing to you or makes you feel bad about yourself. Don’t show them that you’re angry or an easy target, instead if you are indifferent towards their teasing, that will make them feel not much fun about you, and they will leave you alone. Give them a one liner: Feeling exasperated and finding yourself engaged in an argument can be of no use when you also want to save your relationship. One of the techniques is when they are done teasing you just give them a one liner and walk away from the scene.  For example try this: Thanks for letting me know Oh, I thought I was really cool Use a humor response  Control your emotions and keep your cool Keep an honest tone of voice not angry or sarcastic A smart and clever response will weaken the consequences of mean behavior and personal attacks are likely to diminish right there and then.  Using these cool responses will not only weaken the effects of the teasing attitude but the other person may also feel bad about their own behavior and may not want to do it again. 2. Don’t assume THEY know what YOU’RE thinking. If someone tells you they don’t have conflicts with their partner they are either lying or not having a healthy relationship. Conflict is a normal part of life but if they are mismanaged can destroy relations.  Many times we only assume things when they don’t actually exist.  Especially dont assume that the other person knows what you’re thinking. Whereas the other person may not even have any intentions to tease you in a negative way.  Since most of us are teased by our loved ones because they like us.  You’ll be surprised to know that they are not thinking the thoughts that you have chalked up in your mind.  Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions and feelings in a healthy way. The other person will have the opportunity to understand you more.  You will also feel light at heart plus you will have an opportunity to understand their prespective. Thus this will increase your mutual understanding, build trust, and strengthen your relationship.  3. Don’t Assume YOU Know What THEY’RE Thinking. I like to think of myself as intuitive and very good at reading people. This often gets me into trouble when I argue because I assume, without asking the other person, that they are thinking or feeling a certain way. Always ask for the other person’s perspective even if you are POSITIVE in your own mind that they are feeling a certain way. And when you express your feelings, let them respond without interruption… 4. Listen to Listen, Not to Respond. How funny it is that some people will listen to the other person very attentively just to pick up points to counter-argue.  Conflict activates strong emotions that can result in disappointments, hurt feelings, resentment, discomfort and breakups.  This will make it hard to communicate. This is where we need an active listening strategy. Listening will do this: Diminish the pressure of high emotions. Calms down the other person. Give time to the speaker to organize their thoughts Show respect to the morals and feelings. Give listen the opportunity to understand the issue.  Listening without judgment. It’s really hard to maintain composure and continue to listen without judgment – trust me I still struggle with this! So grab some patience and just listen. On the other hand when you interrupt the other person while they are speaking, you’re doing several things like:  You block your mind from understanding how they feel. Not understanding their perspective. Jumping on the conclusion without full information. Make them feel discomfortable, unimportant and invalidated. If you’re having a really difficult time letting something go without interrupting, just tell yourself something like this: “I can come back to that point when it’s my turn to respond, right now I have to hear her out so that I understand her perspective.” It’s hard for people to express their innermost thoughts and feelings out loud, so if you interrupt or attack them mid-sentence, they’re going to shut down. And be less likely to open up in the future.  5. Be Vulnerable. Winning arguments only gets you so far in life. If you want to have good relationships with the people around you, you have to be willing to be a little vulnerable. Without being vulnerable, you cannot expect the other person to fully understand you or know what you want from them.   It’s absolutely natural to protect yourself and your emotions. Expressing yourself with someone without fear of rejection or judgment is difficult. But I promise you, you will feel much more satisfaction in your relationships. It will foster empathy and build stronger relations. Your friends/family/partner